En mi experiencia | My own experience

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Cualquiera que me conozca bien sabe que soy aprehensiva, obsesiva y un poco terca.

Tal vez saberme estás tres cosas era lo que me hacía no querer ser madre. El reconocer que sería un reto para mis carencias o debilidades. Un hijo me obligaría a explorar mis demonios y me dejaría vulnerable. Lo cierto es que así ha sido.

Tiago nació, todo se llenó de luces de colores, amores INTENSOS y aires de esperanza. Pero a la hora de poner a dormir a Tiago, el mundo se convertía en un monstruo para el que yo no tenía energía ni las herramientas necesarias.

Muy pronto me di cuenta que algo tan natural de nuestra condición humana, me forzó a mirarme en el espejo y ponerme de rodillas ante mis oscuridades. Poco a poco mis pensamientos aprensivos tomaron control y aquellas características obsesivas que ya tenía muy tranquilizadas salieron a poner a prueba mis límites.

Tuve que navegar mis debilidades con dos horas de sueño, un cambio de país y un viaje de cuatro meses. Hubo días en los que no podía reconocerme a mí misma y en los que los ojos abiertos de Tiago (muy abiertos) me obligaban a intentar nuevamente ser una mejor versión de mi misma. Una mamá que entiende que no siempre se puede tener el control.

Todos tenían una opinión, una técnica, un hijo que duerme toda la noche desde la semana uno (¿es acaso posible?), o un hijo que no duerme nunca y ya tiene 12 años.

Nosotros cantamos…

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster’s gone

He’s on the run, your mom and daddy are here

Muerta de miedo y con la cabeza llena de monstruos; Los niños a esta edad deben dormir cierta cantidad de horas. Tiago hoy durmió la mitad de esa cantidad.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Tal vez si le ponemos más cobijas, o mañana intentamos ponerlo a dormir media hora antes, en algún lugar leí que debíamos intentar leche, baño, libro, masaje y luego dormir.

Before you go to sleep

Say a little prayer

Cause every day in every way, it’s getting better and better

¿De verdad? ¿Mejor? Hoy lloré cuatro veces, dormí tres horas y no comí nada en todo el día.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

¿Cuánto tiempo lleva llorando? ¿ qué nos falta por intentar? ¿ y si lo bajamos a que esté ahí a lado de nosotros mientras cenamos?

Out on the ocean sailing away

I can hardly wait

To see you come of age

But I guess we’ll both just have to be patient

‘Cause it’s a long way to go

A hard row to hoe

Yes, it’s a long way to go

No creo poder volver a hacer esto mañana, que Tiago siga despertándose cada 40 minutos, no quiero que sea de noche y saber que otra vez será lo mismo. 8 meses de tener el sueño interrumpido, de no dormir.

But in the meantime…

Before you cross the street

Take my hand

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans

Y un día durmió toda la noche, mientras Karl y yo no podíamos dormir porque era difícil de creer lo que estaba pasando, porque estábamos esperando a que se despertara y así, nos dieron las 7 de la mañana. Y Tiago abrió sus ojos y sonrió. Y recordé lo que ya mucha gente me había dicho: TODO ES IMPERMANENTE.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

BEAUTIFUL TIAGO!

Soltar, soltar, soltar. Tiago, me estas enseñando de la manera más difícil, pero te prometo que estoy aprendiendo.

FYI. Tiago duerme toda la noche gracias a un programa hermoso que nos ayudó a entender que el mejor regalo que le podíamos dar es el de enseñarle a dormir sin interrupciones.

Canción Beautiful Boy de John Lennon a su hijo.


Anyone who knows me well knows that I am apprehensive, obsessive and a bit stubborn.

Perhaps knowing this, was what made me not want to be a mother. I recognised that it would challenge my deficiencies, my weaknesses. A child would force me to explore my demons and leave me vulnerable.

The truth is, that this has been the case. Tiago was born, everything was filled with colourful lights, INTENSE loves and airs of hope. But come the time to put Tiago to sleep, the world became a monster for which I had no energy, nor the right skills.

In very little time, something so natural to our human condition, forced me to look at myself in the mirror and kneel before my darkness. Little by little my apprehensive thoughts took control and those obsessive characteristics that I had already calmed down, went out to test my limits.

I had to navigate my weaknesses with two hours of sleep, a change of country and a trip of four months. There were days when I could not recognize myself and in which the open eyes of Tiago (very open) forced me to try again to be a better version of myself. A mom who understands that you can not always have control.

Everyone had an opinion, a technique, a son who sleeps all night from week one (is that even possible?), or a child who never sleeps and is already 12 years old.

We sing…

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster’s gone

He’s on the run, your mom and daddy are here

Dead with fear and with a head full of monsters; children at this age should sleep a certain number of hours. Tiago today slept half of that amount.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Maybe if we put more blankets, or tomorrow we try to put him to sleep half an hour before, somewhere I read that we should try milk, bath, book, massage and then sleep.

Before you go to sleep

Say a little prayer

Cause every day in every way, it’s getting better and better

Really? Better? Today I cried four times, slept three hours and did not eat anything all day.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

How long has he been crying for? What have we not try yet? What if we bring him downstairs and sit him next to us while we have dinner?

Out on the ocean sailing away

I can hardly wait

To see you come of age

But I guess we’ll both just have to be patient

‘Cause it’s a long way to go

A hard row to hoe

Yes, it’s a long way to go

I do not think I can do this again tomorrow, Tiago keeps waking up every 40 minutes, I do not want the night to come knowing that it will be the same again. 8 months of having interrupted sleep, of not sleeping.

But in the meantime…

Before you cross the street

Take my hand

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans

And one day he slept all night, while Karl and I could not sleep because it was hard to believe what was happening, because we were waiting for him to wake up and so, we got to 7 in the morning. And Tiago opened his eyes and smiled. And I remembered what many people had already told me: EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful boy

BEAUTIFUL TIAGO!

Let go, let go, let go. Tiago, you are teaching me in the most difficult way, but I promise you that I am learning.

FYI Tiago sleeps all night thanks to a beautiful program that helped us understand that the best gift we could give him is to teach him to sleep without interruptions.

Song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon to his son.

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